Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself.

This year is a year of transition for me. I'm moving into a world full of things that are new to me and its scary. Marriage, Thesis, Work, these way heavily on my mind these days. To add to the magnitude of these changes I find myself entering into a phase of personal introspection (thanks Valerie). 

I have never in my 26 years, taken the time to look inward. I had no interest rustling up any emotions, I was happy living life on the level. Essentially, I spent 26 years bottling everything up and pushing everything down and it took a quarter of a century before it began to simmer over. 

Looking inward was the easy part. I've developed insight into why I keep my emotions to myself. The difficulty lies in breaking that pattern. I get it. Sharing my thoughts and feeling with those around me is now a requirement. I like how it makes me feel. Internalizing them is toxic and destructive. For the first time in my life I've found a way to free myself from the feelings of anxiety and emotional gut rot that have plagued me my entire life. It's the most freeing experience I've eve felt. With such a positive physical and emotional reaction you think I've be letting every Joe Schmo know what I was feeling, but this is proving to be the hardest change I've ever had to make. 

I still feel myself go on auto-pilot and bottle up my emotions, create stories inside my head and make myself physically sick worrying and obsessing over things. It isn't until I consciously realize what I'm doing and force myself to tell someone that I realize what I've done. It's a pattern that's so deeply embedded that changing it requires constant conscious effort. 

My brain is under construction....proceed with caution!